• TEAMATES: A Helpful Little Fence

• ANNOUNCING: An Audio Feast for Your Soul

• OOPS: A Correction from Last Week

I built a fence on the edge of the Bright Star property. Building it took a lot of hours to measure, buy materials, set the poles, attach the crossbars, and hang the pickets for that wooden stockade beauty. I felt satisfied in the end to accomplish the goal of creating a visual boundary from the unsightly alley just beyond!

The most important boundaries in life are not on our property but in our relationships. We should make thoughtful choices about them to strengthen our well-being.

In her powerful book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Counselor Nedra Tawwab gives a good starting point. “Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.”[1]

Boundaries form the parameter of our Self. They establish what is me and not me. Child psychologists talk about the process of “individuation,” or figuring out the little one is not the same as mommy and not the same as a brother who wants to play with the same toy. Later, teenagers may struggle with boundaries in a confusing world. Relationships come and go, requiring boundaries on who is now a friend on social media, or not. Parents impose much too strict curfews. The pressure to conform can smash the boundaries of safety, law, or finances.

I know the mother in one family who has helped the little ones deal with anger by getting some “space” to calm themselves. She may help them find a quiet corner or lay down with a stuffed toy. The physical and emotional boundary of privacy often defuses the frustrations of a preschooler.  One study affirmed the benefit of a physical boundary, recording that young children played with greater independence and energy in a fenced area.[2]

Bad news: adult life brings even more boundary work! The challenge comes from every angle: work versus home, his money versus her money, visit the in-laws or go to the beach, sex tonight verses exhaustion after a 12 hour shift. Each of us must make choices about time, touch, communication, and property in order to maintain our sanity.

Families are a vital training ground for good boundaries. When clear and balanced, the boundaries give each member a sense of “I-ness” along with a group sense of “we” and “us.” Avoiding too much proximity or too much autonomy gives everyone the proper connection.[3]

To create a healthy identity and high-functioning relationships, consider these ideas for good boundaries.

Start with who you are and what you need to achieve with a boundary. Your values form the core of your identity so boundaries must align with these deep beliefs. You may need a time boundary with the opinionated father-in-law. You many chose to keep quiet about your son’s bad grade at the golf club. You can architect your personal boundary in many ways.

Seek to be kind yet authentic with others who are involved. Big hint: if you’re amped up with anger, it’s not the time to talk about it. If you need to talk about your boundary—not a requirement—then share with the same respect you would want to receive.

Be consistent in living out what you have chosen. Not everyone will understand or agree with the choice and that’s okay. Stay firm even to the point of enforcing the consequences should the boundary not be respected. This is not easy, but far better than losing something precious such as safety, money, or self-respect.

Tawwab affirms the effort as she writes, “The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people won’t like, understand, or agree with yours. Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.”

My little fence helped me be more satisfied in my backyard. I didn’t need to inform my neighbors as it didn’t affect their property. Someday I may even put in a gate if the situation changes. For now, I feel okay to define my world. Give some thought to how a simple boundary can give you a more authentic way of life.

 [1] Nedra Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. Tarcherperigee, 2021

[2] “ASLA 2006 Student Awards: Magnolia River Ranch.” American Society of Landscape Architects, https://www.asla.org/awards/2006/studentawards/282

[3] Irene Goldenberg and Herbert Goldenberg, Family Therapy: An Overview, 6^th Ed. Thomason Learning, 2004. P 220

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